On Finding Myself By Falling Short

I dreamed about it for over two years – seeing a 2:5x on the clock as I approached a finish line. Any finish line would do. Berlin left me hungry for more and I knew I was capable, it was just a matter of getting to the start line that would lead me to that finish line.

I trained so hard for London 2020, running a half marathon PR in the process (1:24:52) and did a half workout in hilly Atlanta, cruising and running a 1:26 that would have been a PR had I not just run the 1:24. I was READY. & then the world shut down, races were cancelled, and I fought hard to try and keep the fitness I had built. This fight would lead to my inevitable burnout in January of 2021. A crash so hard that I couldn’t see the end of it. I never wanted to run again. I spent hours and hours on the Peloton bike, just to feel….something. I felt nothing. I felt empty and sad, but also starving from being on the bike so much and I ate my feelings in the form of any sort of baked good you could think of. The sheer amount of sugar I was eating made me feel worse than ever and it became an endless cycle of cake and Peloton.

In April of 2021 it was announced that Boston would be happening in the fall and I had my 3:05 from Berlin that I could use to sign up, the excitement of that got me to start running again. I was slow, it hurt, and I didn’t like how it felt. I kept at it though, starting to feel better every single run and eventually seeing the paces I used to see for easy runs. My fitness was coming back. My heart was in it again.

In July of this year Lift, Run, Perform announced their sub 3:00 group applications for CIM and I applied, using my 2020 PRs, but worried that my fitness level wasn’t up to par. I was accepted but I felt like an imposter. I told myself that the coaches would see through me and they’d kick me off of the team for not being fit enough. It turns out – my experience was the exact opposite of that. Mary and Lauren built us up, both with their words and with their workouts. When I bombed my first half marathon in 18 months and ran a 1:47, they didn’t kick me off the team, instead we got right back up and kept training.

Eventually it became time for Boston. I was going to run my first marathon in over two years. In my pre-race call with Mary she told me to try and run around 3:20/3:30, use it as a workout and get some marathon paced miles in there. The day of the race I stood on the start line, ready to happily run a 3:20 but scared that I wouldn’t even be able to do that. I was still an imposter in my mind. Not fast enough. Not worthy.

I ran happy. I hyped up the crowd. I smiled and I focused as I gritted my way through the Newton hills. And I crossed that finish line in 3:06. It was an incredible day, one of those days you hope to have for every race.

After Boston I was a bit wrecked and had a hard time getting back into running, but eventually I recovered and kept training. I ran the Flying Pig half, joyfully, as a workout and even with the all of the hills there I managed a 1:30. Maybe I wasn’t an imposter after all? Maybe I would do this?? Maybe running with joy was the key that unlocked running for me?

Eventually it became taper time. The imposter syndrome crept back in.

We flew to Sacramento on Friday, December 3rd and I went immediately to the expo, as I had been asked to be a part of the breaking 3:00 panel for the Rambling Runner live show (here is a link to that show). Matt is such a great person and I loved finally getting to meet him, being a part of this was such a huge honor. That actually went quicker than I thought it would, which was good because I had barely eaten all day and needed to keep up with my carb-loading (I recommend Featherstone Nutrition’s guide for this).

The Saturday before the race we had our shakeout and I met the ladies I had been training with since July. Just being around them inspired me to do what we set out to do. As our shakeout run went on, I no longer felt like an imposter, I felt like I belonged. These women were as nervous as I was but they were ready, we did the same training so I was ready too. We did strides at the end of the run and I was kind of behind everyone else, which made me nervous. Was this foreshadowing for tomorrow’s race?

We had a team lunch at 2:00 on Saturday and we all got to chat even more. I learned more about their lives and their hopes/dreams for the race. I couldn’t believe I was surrounded by so many incredible women and that I got to be a part of something so incredible. I left that lunch feeling hopeful and went back to our Airbnb to eat more carbs.

Race morning: Woke up, ate a ucan bar, drank some maurten 320, and got ready to go. My husband dropped me off near the start and we were shuttled to the start line. We had a VIP tent as a team so I found that and sat down, I was the first person there so I just tried to wrap my head around what the day would look like for me.

Eventually everyone else got there and we warmed up (I had never warmed up for a marathon before – this was crazy to me!). We got to the start line and were huddled together because the corrals were so crowded we had to be. Eventually the gun went off and I had one goal, stick with Lauren (she was pacing us through the half and then dropping), Krystina, Alexandra and Janel for 13.1 miles and then run my own race.

The entire race is a blur, marathons always are for me. I felt a little nauseous the entire race and I’m still trying to figure out if that was nerves or because I tried to jam in an extra Maurten gel right before we started. The water stops were bananas and it was so nice to have Lauren there to help because she was able to grab me water when I couldn’t get in to a station.

We crossed 13.1 in 1:29 flat. Lauren was a metronome, I didn’t want her to leave us. I also fell back a little at this point and let everyone else do their thing because I needed to just focus and listen to my music.

I was behind Janel until mile 20, when my stomach revolted and I had to stop at a porta potty as quickly as I could. I got in and out, unfortunately not Shalane levels of fast but fast enough.

I kept going. Everything hurt but I knew if I could just keep moving, I might not go sub 3:00 but I would PR that day. Getting to the finish line was a series of turns, and the clock said 3:01 when I crossed it, which was a PR! I was happy to be done and I was just…happy. Yes, I fell short of my sub 3:00 goal but had you told me in February that I would even run a marathon in December, let alone a PR, I would have cried and ate some more cake while telling you that you were crazy.

I found my husband and he informed me that my chip didn’t register at the start, so I was actually more around a 3:00 something (3:00:46 as it turns out!). The porta potty stop cost me my goal, but that was ok. I accomplished something I hadn’t thought would be possible earlier this year and I was thrilled.

Looking back at last weekend, the feeling I have about not breaking 3:00 is odd. I keep telling people I am not sad – I’m not just saying that, because I’m truly incredibly proud. The feeling is one of, I left my house and I know I’m forgetting something but I have no idea what. My keys? My wallet? Whatever I’m trying to take to the store to return? In pondering it a little more I know what it is – it’s 47 seconds. I forgot those 47 seconds.

What’s so great about that though is I have until October to find those seconds and then some. Next time a porta potty stop won’t derail me because I will have even more extra time to play with (and maybe I won’t even need to stop!).

And you know what’s even better? Wanting to find those seconds. Being hungry for MORE. Being inspired and excited again! That is the best thing I could ever ask for.

I am happy to be running and joyful when I run, 47 seconds cannot take that away from me.

Training and Other Musings

I have a long run workout tomorrow and I’m excited about it. I’m also nervous, scared and like 12 other feelings. 6:44 pace is now considered marathon pace. 6:44 pace used to be inconceivable – it was too hard. Anything under 7:00 was hard. It’s still hard, it’s just less hard.

I haven’t really posted much on social because I don’t really know what to say and if I have nothing useful to say, why say anything? I ran this morning. Without looking I don’t know how many miles it was or what the exact pace was, I just know it was 55 minutes and it was rainy. Does anyone really care to see a picture of me smiling with the pace I ran superimposed onto it?

I also don’t really care what the pace of my everyday runs is. I care about the hard stuff. The stuff that’s going to make me stronger and capable of running my sub 3:00 marathon. That’s tomorrow, which is of course, the workout I am already worried about.

The holidays put me in this weird type of funk that I don’t know if I really get out of until spring. My daughter turns 9 this month, which is super fun, but I just realized that I need to figure out a cake for her. In the mess of the holidays and New Year I haven’t ordered one yet (I am NOT a Pinterest mom who is capable of making cakes for her kids). She’s the type of girl who doesn’t really care about those sorts of things, but I do. I’m currently searching my brain to figure out what exactly she would want on a cake and I am drawing a blank. I think she’d just be happy with lots of teal frosting flowers. Teal is her favorite color, my little Kater girl. Frosting is also her favorite part of cake, just like me. I don’t care about anything but the frosting.

This isn’t at all a good transition from the paragraph above, but in looking back at 2019 there isn’t really a reason I should feel so “funky”. It ended well for me. My running is going great and I feel good. I almost feel guilty for feeling good. I do hope that this continues and that I can stay healthy for London. I’m so excited to run another marathon and visit another place. Germany was the first time I had ever been overseas and it was such an awesome experience.

Maybe once I get through tomorrow’s run I’ll feel more like myself again. It’s exciting to do work at goal pace – it builds confidence for the actual race.

114 more days to build fitness. A lot can happen in that amount of time. I’m looking forward to see what 2020 has in store for me!

What’s Next?

After I meet a goal I tend to feel lost. The day after Berlin I was texting my coach, asking if I could sign up for CIM so that I could continue chasing a faster marathon time this year. His answer was obviously no…that would be a terrible idea, you need to rest and recover.

But…what’s next then? What else can I do? I wanted to sign up for all the things, chase all the goals, run all the miles. His response was to take two weeks off of running to recover from Berlin, which is not something I’ve ever done before. Two weeks off! It’s an eternity…and yet it’s not.

I ran 49 whole miles the entire month of October, that was a week of mileage before Berlin. I got grumpy, I got antsy…and I recovered. My legs felt better than they ever had before and when I was allowed to run again I ran way too fast because my body had so much built up energy to expend.

Now that I’m running more again I’m in a better mood, thank goodness, and I’m ready to chase my goals again. This weekend I have a half marathon in Indianapolis, but it won’t be a goal race, it will be a long run. This is also new territory for me – isn’t every race a goal race? But, when you look at it like that…if every race is a goal race, no race is a goal race. Training specifically for an event is how I will do well at said event. Running races willy nilly is fun, but not ideal for specific goal chasing.

I want to train hard for a spring half marathon PR and then chase down my sub 3:00 at the London Marathon, so my spring schedule consists of a March 1 half marathon in Atlanta and then London on April 26. That’s it so far. I’d love to have a back up half marathon in there since Atlanta is so hilly…but I think maybe not having an “out” mentally is what will get me to where I want to be.

So…for goals. What’s next? Here’s what I’m thinking.

  1. Sub 38:00 10k (I have one December 7 that I am eying for this. My PR is 38:44 on this course)
  2. Sub 1:25 half marathon
  3. Sub 3:00 full marathon

I’d like to think these aren’t too far out of reach. My half PR is 1:27:55….it’s within striking distance of that 1:25 if I can get my pacing correct. & had I not run 27 miles in Berlin my sub 3:00 was thisclose.

Writing that all out made me feel better. Goals are meant to be shared…the running community is so incredible and will cheer you on no matter what, but the emotion that comes with seeing someone you care about hit a big goal is the coolest thing. For me, watching my friends crush their goals at NYC yesterday made me feel so incredibly happy for them and it made me hungry to start chasing my goals too.

Here’s to goal chasing…wherever it may lead me.

Berlin Marathon 2019

Berlin still feels like it was a dream, so it helped to write out the below. I also included some random, quirky things about the race that I hope may help those who run it in the future. I’m hoping, after a year of frustrating races, that I can continue to have experiences like this one. However, the ups wouldn’t feel as sweet without the downs that come before them.

Pre-Race: The website said that the start area opened at 6:30am, so I decided I wanted to be there around 7:00 (race started at 9:15). I got up at 5am, got ready, ate my first coffee bean UCAN bar (these), then Steven and I started walking towards the start area. This was about 1.5 miles from our hotel, but I’ve never had an issue running a good race just because I walked a bit before (see NYC 2017 which was all of the walking, haha). 

We got to the start area around 7:00 like I wanted and were informed (along with a bunch of other people) that the corrals didn’t open until 7:30. I hung out with Steven until then and once they opened I made my way to my corral, which was D, the last one in the first wave. 

After a bit I spotted my friend Dorothy and we passed the time until about 15 mins before the start, chatting about all of the things. This was so nice and I think took both of our minds off of the race. We went to the porta potties a couple times (which were gender specific but it really didn’t matter) and then hugged goodbye before getting in the zone for our races. I ate another coffee bean UCAN bar right before the start.

It took me about two minutes to cross the start line after the race began….and then we were off. 

The first 10k: I knew from talking to my coach a couple nights before the race that he felt I was ready to run around 3:00. I had told him I just wanted to PR – sub 3:18 – so we chatted about that and he suggested running even splits. Don’t worry about seeing some 7:00s, especially with the crowding of the course, just start out slow and try to stay consistent.

My first mile hit and it was a 7:08. Perfect. I felt good at that pace, in control, so I just stayed dialed in and kept moving. I had brought my Aftershokz just in case the on course entertainment/crowd support wasn’t enough and had a playlist cued up, which I turned on around mile 2 and didn’t shut off until mile 25. I could hear what was going on around me but the music really helped me get into a rhythm with my pace.

At the 5k mark was the first water stop, I took one of my Skratch chews (Green Tea and Lemon – these ones!) right before that, which wasn’t really part of my fueling plan, but I had put 20 of them in a bag in my shorts pocket, which made my shorts start falling down the first mile, so I was carrying the bag in my hand. It annoyed me (which is funny because it was something Dorothy said to me at the start – she carries her fuel to make herself take it) and made me want to not be carrying it, so I ate them in order to carry less of them.

Our next water stop was at the 9k mark. I’m realizing at this point that I really do feel good and my watch is clicking off 6:40-6:50s without issue. In my mind I was worried it was a mistake. How am I moving so quickly and feeling so good? Is this good feeling going to go away? All of the water stops were kind of a mess – I grabbed two cups each time and chugged one, put the empty cup under the other one and carried it for a bit to sip it.

15k: Steven was waiting for me here and I was so excited to see him. I felt so good and was so happy to be having a good race, but was also worried that it wouldn’t last. 

20k: Okay Alissa. We’re almost halfway. What’s your half marathon split going to be?

21.1k timing mat: I look at my watch as I cross it – 1:31… my best half marathon this year. Oh my gosh. How is this happening? I keep moving, taking two chews each time I feel a bit thirsty and grabbing two cups of water at each stop. It doesn’t feel humid but the weather said it was around 88% that day so I knew the water was needed.

25k: I stopped to use the bathroom before I hit this timing mat so it was one of my slower splits. That was okay, I knew I just had to keep moving. I had finished my first 20 chews at this point so I got my second bag of them out of my crop and carried them again. 

30k: More chews and in my mind I was thinking about how many timing mats I had left. Just two more! Two more 5ks and then 2.2k to go. We can do this.

35k: It’s pouring rain and my feet really hurt at this point. We’re running through puddles but I can also tell it’s close to the end because we’re running through blow up arches. I keep moving. Just get to 40k! Then there is only 2.2k to go. My watch is way off, at the end of the race it would say I ran 27 miles, so I watch KM markers and just monitor my pace on my watch.

40k: 2.2k to go. Less than two miles. Just keep moving and you have this, Alissa. The rain was really coming down, I was so cold and soaking wet, but I knew what was coming – the Brandenburg Gate, which was something I’d been dreaming of for months.

41k: 1.2k to go – you did 1k repeats in training – you can rock a 1k no problem.

42k: Brandenburg Gate. Smiles. Tears. The finish line was right there and I knew I had run my best time yet. I just didn’t know what it was.

42.2k: The finish line. The clock says 3:07 something but I know that’s not right because I didn’t start with the clock. I pull my phone out of my Koala Clip (this is the first marathon where I listened to music the entire time) and see texts from my husband and my friend Sarah. I text them back, Sarah gets a bunch of expletives. 😂 

The Finisher Area: I walk through it, someone puts a medal around my neck, I’m smiling ear to ear. I get my heat sheet and somehow miss my poncho. I keep walking, someone hands me a cup of water and a bag of food. At the end of the finisher area was a place to hand in the timing chip I had to rent for my shoe (Berlin uses a shoe timing system and not a bib). Taking that off was painful because it required bending over.

My legs are cramping really bad and I hobble to the family reunion area to find Steven. I try to text him but it’s pouring rain and all my phone wants to type are the letters l and m, so my texts just look like mmmllllmmmmmmmm. I give up on texting and eventually Steven finds me. He brought my race jacket and my hat, which I put on ASAP. We try to walk back to the hotel but my legs didn’t want to work very well, so he ends up calling an Uber, which was the best thing ever. 

It was quite a day. One I want to relive in my mind over and over again for sure. I still can’t believe that happened – the marathon is so fickle and it’s so hard to have a good one even if you have an amazing training cycle. I’m so proud and lucky that Berlin was my day. 

3:05:20 ✅ – next up – that elusive sub 3:00!

Below are my splits for those who are curious. I slowed the second half, which is something to work on in the future, but am still very happy with the consistency.

A side note about Berlin – on course they only have a electrolyte drink called Beetster and Tea at the water stops. Some stops have fruit. There is a redbull station at mile 24 ish. You can give them water bottles to have at your own special stops, but I didn’t trust that so I just carried my chews with me and didn’t worry about an electrolyte drink.

I chose Skratch after trying a bunch of different things and figuring out that I could eat them slowly, which made them not “gut bomb” me and mess up my stomach. I have a really sensitive stomach so it was huge for me to find something that worked so well.