On Finding Myself By Falling Short

I dreamed about it for over two years – seeing a 2:5x on the clock as I approached a finish line. Any finish line would do. Berlin left me hungry for more and I knew I was capable, it was just a matter of getting to the start line that would lead me to that finish line.

I trained so hard for London 2020, running a half marathon PR in the process (1:24:52) and did a half workout in hilly Atlanta, cruising and running a 1:26 that would have been a PR had I not just run the 1:24. I was READY. & then the world shut down, races were cancelled, and I fought hard to try and keep the fitness I had built. This fight would lead to my inevitable burnout in January of 2021. A crash so hard that I couldn’t see the end of it. I never wanted to run again. I spent hours and hours on the Peloton bike, just to feel….something. I felt nothing. I felt empty and sad, but also starving from being on the bike so much and I ate my feelings in the form of any sort of baked good you could think of. The sheer amount of sugar I was eating made me feel worse than ever and it became an endless cycle of cake and Peloton.

In April of 2021 it was announced that Boston would be happening in the fall and I had my 3:05 from Berlin that I could use to sign up, the excitement of that got me to start running again. I was slow, it hurt, and I didn’t like how it felt. I kept at it though, starting to feel better every single run and eventually seeing the paces I used to see for easy runs. My fitness was coming back. My heart was in it again.

In July of this year Lift, Run, Perform announced their sub 3:00 group applications for CIM and I applied, using my 2020 PRs, but worried that my fitness level wasn’t up to par. I was accepted but I felt like an imposter. I told myself that the coaches would see through me and they’d kick me off of the team for not being fit enough. It turns out – my experience was the exact opposite of that. Mary and Lauren built us up, both with their words and with their workouts. When I bombed my first half marathon in 18 months and ran a 1:47, they didn’t kick me off the team, instead we got right back up and kept training.

Eventually it became time for Boston. I was going to run my first marathon in over two years. In my pre-race call with Mary she told me to try and run around 3:20/3:30, use it as a workout and get some marathon paced miles in there. The day of the race I stood on the start line, ready to happily run a 3:20 but scared that I wouldn’t even be able to do that. I was still an imposter in my mind. Not fast enough. Not worthy.

I ran happy. I hyped up the crowd. I smiled and I focused as I gritted my way through the Newton hills. And I crossed that finish line in 3:06. It was an incredible day, one of those days you hope to have for every race.

After Boston I was a bit wrecked and had a hard time getting back into running, but eventually I recovered and kept training. I ran the Flying Pig half, joyfully, as a workout and even with the all of the hills there I managed a 1:30. Maybe I wasn’t an imposter after all? Maybe I would do this?? Maybe running with joy was the key that unlocked running for me?

Eventually it became taper time. The imposter syndrome crept back in.

We flew to Sacramento on Friday, December 3rd and I went immediately to the expo, as I had been asked to be a part of the breaking 3:00 panel for the Rambling Runner live show (here is a link to that show). Matt is such a great person and I loved finally getting to meet him, being a part of this was such a huge honor. That actually went quicker than I thought it would, which was good because I had barely eaten all day and needed to keep up with my carb-loading (I recommend Featherstone Nutrition’s guide for this).

The Saturday before the race we had our shakeout and I met the ladies I had been training with since July. Just being around them inspired me to do what we set out to do. As our shakeout run went on, I no longer felt like an imposter, I felt like I belonged. These women were as nervous as I was but they were ready, we did the same training so I was ready too. We did strides at the end of the run and I was kind of behind everyone else, which made me nervous. Was this foreshadowing for tomorrow’s race?

We had a team lunch at 2:00 on Saturday and we all got to chat even more. I learned more about their lives and their hopes/dreams for the race. I couldn’t believe I was surrounded by so many incredible women and that I got to be a part of something so incredible. I left that lunch feeling hopeful and went back to our Airbnb to eat more carbs.

Race morning: Woke up, ate a ucan bar, drank some maurten 320, and got ready to go. My husband dropped me off near the start and we were shuttled to the start line. We had a VIP tent as a team so I found that and sat down, I was the first person there so I just tried to wrap my head around what the day would look like for me.

Eventually everyone else got there and we warmed up (I had never warmed up for a marathon before – this was crazy to me!). We got to the start line and were huddled together because the corrals were so crowded we had to be. Eventually the gun went off and I had one goal, stick with Lauren (she was pacing us through the half and then dropping), Krystina, Alexandra and Janel for 13.1 miles and then run my own race.

The entire race is a blur, marathons always are for me. I felt a little nauseous the entire race and I’m still trying to figure out if that was nerves or because I tried to jam in an extra Maurten gel right before we started. The water stops were bananas and it was so nice to have Lauren there to help because she was able to grab me water when I couldn’t get in to a station.

We crossed 13.1 in 1:29 flat. Lauren was a metronome, I didn’t want her to leave us. I also fell back a little at this point and let everyone else do their thing because I needed to just focus and listen to my music.

I was behind Janel until mile 20, when my stomach revolted and I had to stop at a porta potty as quickly as I could. I got in and out, unfortunately not Shalane levels of fast but fast enough.

I kept going. Everything hurt but I knew if I could just keep moving, I might not go sub 3:00 but I would PR that day. Getting to the finish line was a series of turns, and the clock said 3:01 when I crossed it, which was a PR! I was happy to be done and I was just…happy. Yes, I fell short of my sub 3:00 goal but had you told me in February that I would even run a marathon in December, let alone a PR, I would have cried and ate some more cake while telling you that you were crazy.

I found my husband and he informed me that my chip didn’t register at the start, so I was actually more around a 3:00 something (3:00:46 as it turns out!). The porta potty stop cost me my goal, but that was ok. I accomplished something I hadn’t thought would be possible earlier this year and I was thrilled.

Looking back at last weekend, the feeling I have about not breaking 3:00 is odd. I keep telling people I am not sad – I’m not just saying that, because I’m truly incredibly proud. The feeling is one of, I left my house and I know I’m forgetting something but I have no idea what. My keys? My wallet? Whatever I’m trying to take to the store to return? In pondering it a little more I know what it is – it’s 47 seconds. I forgot those 47 seconds.

What’s so great about that though is I have until October to find those seconds and then some. Next time a porta potty stop won’t derail me because I will have even more extra time to play with (and maybe I won’t even need to stop!).

And you know what’s even better? Wanting to find those seconds. Being hungry for MORE. Being inspired and excited again! That is the best thing I could ever ask for.

I am happy to be running and joyful when I run, 47 seconds cannot take that away from me.